Axeing AddictionsAxeing Addictions
06
Dec, 2015

By Nicola Beattie

The moderation movement

So I bet you were expecting to open this page and find me banging on about writing goals, hopes and aspirations for 2016? Well sorry to disappoint you, but you’d be WRONG! I love a good goal I really do, and I’m sure by now that my lovely and regular readers will have by now, cottoned on to the fact that we can plan, change and design our lives by working out what we actually want from them!

So what am I getting at here? Well actually I’m beginning to see a pattern emerging… One by which I see a huge amount of people piling pressure onto themselves to be this perfect being; to be a fantastic partner, doting parent, keep that beautiful house, of course that killer body, interesting hobbies and a fulfilling job just to wrap things off nicely. So why are we so unhappy?

When we let go of the expectation of perfection, we can begin to value who we really are. Without the pressure, we relax and the anxieties subside. Consider how you are on holiday, surely a better version of you? So where does this pressure come from… Your social group? the media? Your parents? You know, I could debate this until the cows come home but the fact remains, there is sadly only one way to go from perfect.

I was called a ‘free spirit’ by no less than 3 people in the past few weeks and it got me wondering what it really meant (hey, I’ve been called a lot worse!), I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s the fact that I don’t really mind what it means, that gives it it’s meaning. People will always have an opinion on your life and how you live it, but it’s what you do with that opinion that really matters. In these times of extremism, perhaps it’s time to celebrate moderation instead.

I love this area of leafy Essex, I love the people that I meet, the adventures that I seem to get myself into. 2015 finished with a bang thanks to the release of my (co-written) first book, this year brings the publication of the second one… about learning how to axe those pesky mid-life addictions and just get on with being fabulous! Happy 2016, what a privilege it is to meet you!

Nicola Beattie, www.axeingaddictions.co.uk  

10
Nov, 2015

By Nicola Beattie

The curse of perfect

Does it drive you crazy when a toy is left out? Is speck of fluff on the floor sending you into a rage? Or are you continually feeling that either yourself or others are just ‘not good enough? If you answer yes to any of these, you have been cursed with the obsession of perfectionism. This is a sweeping craze that tends to develop its momentum in those mid-life years that will steal your happiness, poison your family and destroy your joys as whatever you aim for… It will never be quite good enough, leading to a permanent dissatisfaction with life as well as a huge source of anxiety, tension and subsequent depression. So why am I so down on this ridiculous notion that everything had to be ‘just so?’ Because life isn’t perfect that’s why! Children make mess, nature isn’t clean and tidy and by the very nature of being human, we are all flawed human beings … Perfectly normal! So when I say it’s time to drop this unrealistic charade of perfection, I’m not saying not to aim high, or to have ambition. (In fact I am the first person to say have goals and ambitions!) But your journey through life will be a darn site more pleasant if you accept your own limitations, relax a bit and go with being ‘good enough.’ Imagine… Just for a moment that you can let go of all the little stuff… Just for a day. This obsession with living, breathing and working as carbon copy waxworks really infuriates me! So what if the children make a mess whilst playing with their toys… Let them be children! The alternative is to create a zombie nation of children on screens, playing out a virtual world. The ‘end of day clear up’ is merely a learning process, we make mess, we sort it. I like the mantra ‘whatever happens, we deal with it’ which is a lot more helpful than being too scared to create ‘whatever’ in the first place. We can blame society, the media, or whoever for this phenomenon, but ultimately YOU are responsible for your own thoughts, own beliefs and own actions. Consider this, I had a client who came to see me who was being driven mad by her family constantly messing up her front room. She was at the point of wanting a divorce. It drove her crazy that in particular, she liked her fluffy rug to have its pile in the same direction and to be always free from ‘family mess’ and toys.

I asked her what it meant to her when it was all perfect, she replied that she liked it to be perfect. I asked what needed to happen for it to maintain that perfect state… She considered this as I asked her then to consider what this really meant to her. (This lady had married late in life and had 2 much longed for babies via IVF). “Then I’ll be all alone” she realised as she processed what that actually meant to her. I suggested that the ‘family mess’ was actually ‘signs of life’

The many scars on my body show my journey through life. A dent in my car tells of a story, a dog toy on my carpet shows I am blessed with a hound that I adore. The kids’ shoes in my hallway show that this is a home. We are all perfect human beings. Perfect in our own imperfections.

09
Nov, 2015

By Nicola Beattie

Smile and wave boys, just smile and wave…

So I normally write about ways to create happiness, goodwill and all things positive… So what happens when everything makes you so irate, that this idea is just extremely irritating and darn well annoying?!

Well, I’d say stress and anger management are possibly more important than working out how to be happy in the first place. After all, if you exist as a big ball of angst then it’s pretty darn hard to see the fluffy side of life!

Stress causes disease. Fact. I know you may be thinking… “Bla bla bla” at this, but it’s the uncomfortable truth; we end up manifesting as the physical product of our thoughts.

So what do I mean by that? Well, a prime example is holding a grudge against someone else for what you (rightly or wrongly) perceive that they have done to you in the past.

It never ceases to amaze me how much effort other people can put into hating others. After all, does it really take that much effort to just make eye contact and nod? I’d hazard a guess that the sheer effort into blanking someone and avoiding them takes up an awful lot more energy!

So, with that in mind, holding hatred towards others hurts you A LOT more than it will affect that other person. (Yeah that high blood pressure you’ve developed, and those many niggly ailments sure taught them a lesson!)

So am I trying to make us all hold hands and sing together here? (Well aside from the fact it would make the school run a little creepy), the point is this: You become your thoughts.

Just sit on that idea for a minute and consider. What do you tell yourself? How do you talk to others? What tone of language do you use towards the people you love? How do you actively relax? Is your home a refuge or a war zone?

Doing nothing is of course a choice. You can ignore and carry on as you already do but I wonder when you’ll notice how those doctors’ appointments start to become more frequent?

Thinking is far too important than just to merely leave it to chance. When you consciously notice what your unconscious is doing, your behaviour becomes a choice.

As Mahatma Gandhi once said: “A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes”.

Namaste…!

08
Apr, 2015

By Nicola Beattie

5 Easy Steps to Create Happy

WHO? Surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you. Check, how do you FEEL around certain people? Do they make you feel; relaxed? anxious? Invisible, Loved? With relationships, it is not always about what others think best for you, but what FEELS right for you. After all, only you are the expert on you!

EMPOWER! Allowing others to run your life for you and make YOUR choices by doing what others think, is a sure fire way to allow depressed thinking into your life. People pleasers are the No.1 personality type found in a therapy chair.

HOW? Realising that any changes you make have the power to influence YOUR feelings! Even the most trivial change (such as wearing the clothes that YOU enjoy), creates a positive feeling which in turn, creates happier actions.

DO! Depressed people tend to isolate themselves from the things they used to enjoy, and instead get bogged down in drudgery. When we take the time out to check in with the things we enjoy most, not only does it lower stress levels, but it taps into our human need to challenge and develop ourselves (which helps prevents addictions from taking root).

LAUGH! Laughter is the best instant way to feel better. Biologically, even faking it produces the same results. However, I prefer to associate with like-minded people that radiate warmth and promote love!

Lastly… stay away from those drains and hang out with the radiators!

05
Mar, 2015

By Nicola Beattie

The 10 Habits that will ruin your life

Here is my top 10 list of things that will plague your life and poison your dreams!

In at No.10 is: Living other people’s lives for them.

Tempting as it is to be a people pleaser, its worthwhile pointing out that people pleasers are the No.1 personality type that are likely to grace a therapy room chair. As much as the people that we love are important, you only get one life. Fill it with those people and things that make YOU happy.

Next up is no.9 is: Waiting for the perfect moment.

Don’t buy into the myth of the perfect moment.  Moments aren’t perfect; they are what and when you make them.  So many people wait for ‘the right time’ when in fact that time may never come unless you make the changes needed to create it. After all, there is a saying that ‘there is never a good time to have a baby’

Close behind at no.8: Dwelling on bitter thoughts.

Everything and everyone you hate rents permanent space in both your head and heart.  So if you want to eliminate something or someone from your mind, don’t hate.  Instead, disconnect yourself, move on, and don’t look back. The opposite emotion to love is indifference after all.

Chasing behind at no.7. Trying to change too much at once.

You want to improve your life, change the world. change your habits, lifestyle, job. If you want to make a difference in the world, start with the world around you.  Making a big difference all at once is usually impossible, and the process of trying is extremely stressful.  Start with one habit and go from there.

In at No.6: Using addictive behaviours for fulfilment.

There are two variations of contentment in life – fleeting and enduring.  Fleeting behaviours tend to give you that ‘quick fix’ that many of us seek after a long day. However, relying on outside habits for happiness, is prime breeding ground for addictive behaviours. Enduing behaviours are those that come from within, states of mind, beliefs, and acceptance and are formed from healthy behaviours. Using addictive behaviours to regulate happiness is rather like sticking a plaster on a broken leg.

No.5. Becoming obsessed with image alone.

Infatuating yourself with someone simply for what they look like on the outside is like choosing your favourite food based on colour instead of taste.  It makes no sense.  Being physically attractive is of course important, but how someone makes you feel is by far a longer lasting emotion.

In at No.4 is:  Becoming consumed by worries and fear.

It is unlikely that lying upon your death bed you will have wished you had worried more is it not? How much of your life have you wasted stressing about things that maybe have not even existed?? You cannot change other people’s behaviour, only your own so don’t die trying.

No.3. Working for nothing more than payday.

Work without interest is imprisonment.  Even if you aren’t super-passionate about your work, you have got to at least be interested in it.  When you design a lifestyle in which your work is something you suffer through daily, just to pay your bills, you end up spending your entire life wishing you had someone else’s. Think about it.  This is your life; your work will fill a large percentage of it.  It’s not all about the money; it’s about you.

No.2. Focussing on problems.

You get more of what you focus on! The Law of Attraction clearly states that whatever you dwell on will come right back to you. So for example, if you focus on not having enough money (rather than the solution of generating more) this will be exactly what you get more of. If a problem is out of your control then you are also wasting valuable resources by stressing about it day and night. Becoming solution focussed is vital to generating lasting happiness.

And finally the winner is… No.1: Radiators Vs Drains?

Who are in your inner circle? How do they make you feel: energised or drained? How much time do you spend having fun or do they really just need a therapist to offload onto? A good friend will always have time to listen to your concerns, however, if you are finding yourself in the therapist role more often than not, maybe it is time to re-evaluate quite what it is that you are getting from this relationship?!

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